A Letter To Myself (To Be Opened On The Day I Purchase Matching Clothes Hangers)

•January 8, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Congratulations future me, a little bit of you has grown up today! The younger you is very proud, a little disappointed, but mostly inquisitive about how you turned out.

I guess we both knew this day was going to come (otherwise why would I have wrote this letter, unless this day never comes… then this sentence will go unread). By purchasing those matching clothes hangers the younger you (who is writing this letter) has died a little bit, but I’m sure his memory will live on, even only if it’s written in Sharpie on some bathroom stall somewhere.

The person writing this letter (the younger you) never considered matching clothes hangers, he rarely washed his clothes let alone had the ambition to put them up on clothes hangers. The person reading this letter (the older you) finally joined the grown-up society today, so take the final step and throw away all those old clothes hangers, you know the mismatched wire, plastic and wooden hangers.

Because the younger you doesn’t have a looking glass into the future, I can only wonder what kind of matching clothes hangers you purchased. I bet they are pretty stylish and definitely a cut above those garbage picked, thrift store clothes hangers you used to own. And speaking of thrift stores, I hope you stopped shopping at thrift stores for your wardrobe in the future. The younger you will grudgingly admit that your funny-patterned sweater vests and corduroy pants were definitely a fashion statement in your early/mid twenties, but a man has to grow up. And when a man grows up he has to let go of his old fashion sense and donate them back to the same place he purchased them years ago. (And the cycle continues.)

So, what kind of clothes do you own now? Double breasted suits? Pinstripes? Khakis? The younger you knows that even in the future you will have a good sense of style but he is a little worried that your future friends (probably golf buddies) will influence you to buy lots of sweaters, probably even some tacky sweaters with bad golf patterns on them. If that is the case, I (the younger you) pleads with you to throw them away, they will only make younger people stare at you and give you nicknames like, Fuzzy Dunlap or Squares McGee. The younger you doesn’t want that, he wants his future self to have a nickname like Captain Fantastic, they can call you “The Cap” for short.

Another concern the younger you has about buying matching clothes hangers is that you might have been prompted to do so by your (my, future) wife. I’m guessing we both never thought we make it that far in grown up society. But maybe a wife is what you need, I mean she did encourage you to buy some matching clothes hangers, let’s just hope she lets you share enough room in your closet (ha, ha… younger you humor). So, what is she like? I’m hoping she is a hottie (the older you will probably not refer to women as “hotties”, so to speak with vocab you’ll understand, a mature, sexy woman). Let’s hope she is. And not just any hottie (mature, sexy woman), hopefully a MEGA hottie! You know the type: a perfect 10, with natural breasts that aren’t too big that they draw attention but big enough that you can at least plant your face in them and get that tit sweat all over your face the way you like (you still like that right?).

Well, the younger you is getting pretty exhausted writing this. He’s thinking that he shouldn’t be wasting his time on the internet blogging, but rather finding funny, bizarre websites. Here’s a website that the younger you thought was pretty funny, hopefully the humor isn’t lost with age:  http://cryingwhileeating.com/.

Best of luck, future you, from the younger you. Congrats on being a grown up.


Alec Baldwin Visits The Unemployment Office

•July 20, 2008 • 3 Comments

(NOTE: If you haven’t seen the movie Glengarry Glen Ross this clip is required viewing. If you’ve seen the movie… then you know what I’m talking about.)

Let me have your attention for a moment, because I’m talking about what? Bitching about that sale I shot, those son of a bitches that didn’t want to buy land, somebody didn’t want to buy what I was selling, some broad I tried to screw… so forth. Well, let me talk about something important.

Hey buddy, PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN! You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.

I’m here from downtown. I’m here because Mitch and Murray fired me. And I’m here to plead for your mercy. You think you don’t have to listen to me? You certainly don’t, but the bad news for me is, I got fired. And all I’ve got is just one week before I am going need some unemployment checks. Starting with tonight, starting right after this sit.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good.

Let me tell you a little story. Last month, my previous employer, Mitch and Murray added a little something to the sales contest. First prize was a Cadillac Eldorado. Can you guess what second prize was? A set of steak knives. Third prize was a pink slip. You think I’m laughing now?

Continue reading ‘Alec Baldwin Visits The Unemployment Office’

Punchline = Knockout Punchtime

•July 19, 2008 • 6 Comments

So it’s been about a week since I posted and made known my video challenge to YouTube user “cmxpunch”. I was a little dissappointed with the response that he gave me, which consisted of: “haha, what a detailed blog” and also a video of a crowd shouting “YouTube” at his band. If you are like me, you are probably thinking, “what! this guy has a band?” It’s true, the man behind the disaster that is “Boys Club 2.0” actually has some sort of pop-punk (which I guess you could call a music genre) band called “Punchline”.

For a little more background, I’ll give you a little Randipedia (the Random Tally version of Wikipedia) lowdown on “Punchline”:

Punchline is pop-punk band hailing from Pennsylvania. They started sometime in the past and still make music today. They have made a few self-produced CDs that only sold to their friends and have thousands more collecting dust at Vesely Brothers Storage, 316 Finley Rd, Belle Vernon, PA.

Punchline Trivia:

No band member has ever bit a head off of a bat during a live concert.

The band has never wiped any of their asses on a major record label recording contract.

A bar owner once laughed directly in band’s face when they complained about having mixed color M&Ms in the green room when they specifically asked for all the blue M&Ms to be picked out.

So that’s about all I could find out about the band on the internet. This leads me to the conclusion that the three best things to ever come out of the state of Pennsylvania are Ween, coal miner’s lung and Terry Bradshaw (two of these things being gifted musically). Sorry Punchline, but in my opinion, you’ll never make it on that list… maybe one day you’ll squeak into the top ten, but never the top three.

At this point I’m pretty sure any sort of video challenge will never take place between “cmxpunch” and myself. I can’t say I’m all that surprised, I’m sure the embarrassment from his “Boys Club” video has scared him away from making videos, hence the switch to making embarrassing punk music. But to show that I’m not through with trying to humiliate “cmxpunch”, I’m going to do something that nobody else has ever attempted. I’m going to make my own music video to a Punchline song. Stay tuned to this blog and I’ll keep you updated every step of the way.

RE: The 1504 Burlington Heights Property

•July 16, 2008 • 2 Comments

Mr. and Mrs. Sampson,

Thank you again for taking the time to walk through the open house with me last Saturday and again congratulations on the recent marriage!

I thought I would take a little time out of my busy afternoon to reply to your email stating that you are not interested in the property I showed you. I know it might have been a little un-assuring having my parole officer present at the open house, but I can tell you in all confidence that I only have 6 more months of government supervision before the state deems me “rehabilitated”. And speaking of “rehabilitated” remember that 500 sq. ft. upstairs bathroom complete with jacuzzi? Let me tell you that the previous owner’s spared no expense with that bathroom remodel, you should know, I showed you the pictures.

I know you told me that you were comfortable to have an ex-convict as your real estate agent. I still remember you telling me that at our first meeting in my office, but I have a feeling that you might have been lying to me and that the only reason you went along with me to the open house was because I referred to the property as a real “steal”, which I can assure you it is (but in a very legal, law abiding sense).

Look, I want to you to be as open and honest with me as I am with you, no pity, please!

To show you that I’m going to be more honest, I have to tell you this; I lied when I said I went to jail for a little insider trading. Ok, there I said it, and to go one step further I’ll be completely honest with you, I was charged with pre-meditated (not really true, but I had a state’s attorney who could have cared less for my case) rape. I think you may have suspected that by the way I was looking at Mrs. Sampson and/or by the way I asked to give her a private tour of the bedroom, but I want you to know in all honesty I would never do anything to lose your business.

I know that you think this house might be a little too small for your taste but let me tell you it is spacious! Sure, 1,700 sq. ft. is no mansion but put yourself in my shoes for a second. For the last 6 years I lived in an 8×10 foot cell with another man AND there were no windows (unlike that solarium near the patio). And you want exercise? All I had was 2 hours outside a day in “the yard”, this house has it’s own outdoor Olympic sized pool, I’d certainly say you could get a lot of exercise swimming laps in that baby.

Again, I’d like to thank you for at least emailing me to tell me that you are going to need some time to think over your decision and in the meantime look at other houses with other agents. All I can ask is that you would give me a second chance (much like the Re/Max company has given me in my life with their “Behind Bars to Real Estate Stars” program) and know that I have many more properties I’d love to show you.

Brad Miller – Re/Max Real Estate

I Might Not Be Gay, BUT I Am Proud!

•July 12, 2008 • 29 Comments

Less than a month ago, I put up a video blog (or vlog if you will) on here, it’s a music video that some friends and I made to the WEEN (best band you probably have not heard of) song “Boy’s Club”. So it’s been on my blog and on YouTube about a month now and it’s not getting the critical praise or internet traffic I was hoping for (I didn’t want to get ahead of myself when writing, directing, acting and editing the video, but I thought it was my ticket out of the stink hole town I call home… hopefully getting me discovered by Hollywood so I could move out there and personally Curb Stomp Edward Norton Out of Hollywood)…

After we made the video, I discovered that the concept of making a video to Boy’s Club was not original and there are two other YouTube videos (both by the same user, whose name I’ll bring into this little ordeal later on). OK, I understand that there are other guys out there that like the band WEEN, guys who like making music videos, and guys who just like to have fun… I get that, but the problem that I have is when my artistic endeavors are better than, BUT not as popular as. Get the picture?

Continue reading ‘I Might Not Be Gay, BUT I Am Proud!’

He Played One…

•July 12, 2008 • 1 Comment

I’m going to start a new feature on this blog called, “The Random Tally Whacker”. The premise is very simple and hopefully the result will be somewhat informative for my (many) readers. The idea behind “The Random Tally Whacker” is that I’m going to take certain phrases, lyrics, sayings and quotations out of popular culture and dissect them faster than it took me to puke in high school from seeing the innards of my dissected frog.

For my first ever “Tally Whacker” feature I’m going to use the “chorus” to the popular children’s song “This Old Man” (you know… the part that goes, “with a knick-knack, paddy-whack, gives his dog a bone). I’m not even sure what this song means but in the song a musically inclined old man starts playing “knick-knack” on all sorts of things (thumbs, shoes, sticks ect.). I’m only assuming he is musical because the songs says he’s “playing”… again with some assumptions I think the “knick-knacking” is a sort of beat that he plays, who knows maybe the old man used to be a percussionist in some old-timey jug band. I also like to think that the song would be completely different if instead of playing “knick-knack” the lyrics went something like this… “this old man, he played one, he turned “nick-nacks” out of my thumb, although I’m not entirely sure that this couldn’t be the case because old people really love their nick-nacks. But if this were true then not only would children have to worry about “The Pied Piper” and Catholic priests before bed, they’d have “This Old Man” to keep them up at night in worry.

BUT the most interesting part of the song is what comes next. He plays “knick-knack” then “paddy-whack”, so I ask you, what the hell is a paddy-whack? I understand that a “knick-knack” might be a type of percussion or figurine, but I have no idea about this “paddy-whack”. It’s NON-SENSE! I know the song is old and maybe I’m missing some type of old-timey connotation (like the time I thought “Hoovervilles” was the name of a store to buy vacuum cleaners) but I don’t think so… I think that this song has been falsely translated and lost it’s meaning after being passed down through the generations.

This Old Man, He Played A Billion, He Played Knick-Knack ON THAT Pigeon.

This Old Man, He Played A Billion, He Played Knick-Knack ON THAT Pigeon.

What do I think a “paddy-whack” is? Well, it could possibly be that he played “knick-knack”, with his patented Patty whack (true if the old man was Irish and his signature beat was called a “Patty whack” after his name Pat) and then he gives the dog a bone. OR it could be that he played “knick-knack”, works at McDonald’s and has to work behind the grill whacking burger pattys”, only to go home and feed his dog a bone, which hopefully the bones aren’t very expensive because he gives his dog a lot of bones in the song and if he works at Mickey D’s… he’s probably only making minimum wage.

Those are some possible interpretations of what I think this non-sense means. My only question to end this is that if the dog he gives a bone to is close enough (in proximity) to the old man at the end of the song…  how come he never “knick-knacks” or “patty-whacks” (“patty-whack” this time meaning an Irish Mafia hit) his dog, because in doing so he wouldn’t always have to give him so many bones…

Well, there you have it… the first ever installation of “The Random Tally Whacker”, I know I thought I said it would be informative, but after scanning this over… it’s been anything but. So I’m sorry if you were looking for a little insight or existentialism that arises in some children’s songs and poetry. I’ll try to do a little better next time. ORRRRRRREEEEE… if you have any suggestions about lyrics, quotes, phrases, colors, historical figures, poems, or fruit related questions, plug them into my comments and I’ll be happy to get around to them and Randomly Tally Whack the Shit Out of It.

The End. Game Over. AND most importantly, Winners Don’t Use Drugs… (unless it’s a drug taking contest, then there really is no winner, just a group of losers).

Edward “Snore”ton

•July 12, 2008 • 10 Comments

The internet. The information super highway. No inter-highway patrol. No speed limit. A guy like myself could put the top down on his computer and cruise the land of information for hours on end (maybe even make a few inter-highway rest stops along the way to get a knobber with some interweb porn). It’s great to live in America, the country that invented the internet.

If I continue the analogy of the internet being the greatest highway of information in the world with no limits, I’d like to stop here for a second to reflect upon something I’ve been very passionate about the last few week: my hatred of all things Edward Norton. I wouldn’t mind the guy so much if he kept his showboating to Hollywood where he shamelessly walks around shirtless flaunting his swastika tattoos and cheap haircuts. If that was the case (being from the Midwestern United States and thousands of miles away) I could live with it. But this guy seriously has the nerve to invade my personal life as I cruise down the information super highway.

I know I said that I’m all for the interweb highway to have no rules, but how much information can the internet handle before it burns down faster than the library at Alexandria? I’m not a computer whiz, so I don’t really know the answer… but I’m guessing that it’s getting very cluttered, very quickly. Do a Google search for Edward Norton and you’ll get over 4,290,000 hits. Is this even necessary? If I did a search for his name only one search result would be necessary and it would look something like this.

So what am I saying right now? I’m saying the internet needs more rules and regulations. If I learned anything from the recent animated movie Wall-E (side note: that site is kicking fantastic, and I’ve spent about 7 hours of my work day doing this) it’s that once you pile so much garbage on top of other garbage the only thing left on this planet will be cockroaches and robots, that and people will be floating around in space slurping down McDonald’s burgers and fries through cups. Now, regular readers of my blog know that I have a fascination with all things robots, but I am still in the camp of inventing robots for more humanitarian purposes and not as pooper scoopers.

Cries for the fast food at his feet, but would NOT be crying if instead it was Edward Norton thrown out of a car from the highway.

Cries for the fast food at his feet, but would NOT be crying if instead it was Edward Norton thrown out of a car onto the highway.

So before the internet implodes from so much internet trash, I’m going to start phase 3 of my “Curb Stomp Ed Norton Out Of Hollywood Campaign”. What does phase 3 entail? Well, it means erasing his name from all the databases on the internet! That’s right! No more 4 million plus hits on Google! No more photo galleries of him in drag. So when someone types in “edward” into Google, you can read about real men like, Edward Kennedy, Edward I of England, Edward Scissorhands (played by the only true actor working in Hollywood today and very America loving, Johnny Depp) and Edward Kerry (he’s not on Google yet, but he was the greatest physics teacher this blogger has ever known). And if you type in “norton” into Dogpile, you should only be able to get results for the Norton Antivirus software, the Norton Museum of Art in FL (stop by for the snack stand if there for some really great churros), and hopefully one day soon Bob Norton (another great mentor of mine).

My first plan of action to get phase 3 started is writing a strongly worded letter to Google and IMDb to have them purge their databases of this Hollywood trash. I’m not sure how they’ll respond, but I have a feeling that once they read this blog and see how the “real” American public feels, they’ll be forced to erase him off the inter-highway for good, and with such internet giants as these two companies… the rest will soon follow.

NOTE: Phase 3 of my “Curb Stop ‘Snore’ton Out of Tinseltown” also has a free t-shirt give away. The first three people to comment on this blog with an anti-‘Bore’ton comment will receive a free t-shirt that I’ve been working very hard at designing. So, let’s all work together and if you’re interested in joining my anti-‘whore’ton street crew, email me and I’ll send out all the pamphlets, bumper stickers, stickers, and children’s size hoodies that I got back from the printers… luckily they screw up so I got quite the deal.