A Letter To Myself (To Be Opened On The Day I Purchase Matching Clothes Hangers)

Congratulations future me, a little bit of you has grown up today! The younger you is very proud, a little disappointed, but mostly inquisitive about how you turned out.

I guess we both knew this day was going to come (otherwise why would I have wrote this letter, unless this day never comes… then this sentence will go unread). By purchasing those matching clothes hangers the younger you (who is writing this letter) has died a little bit, but I’m sure his memory will live on, even only if it’s written in Sharpie on some bathroom stall somewhere.

The person writing this letter (the younger you) never considered matching clothes hangers, he rarely washed his clothes let alone had the ambition to put them up on clothes hangers. The person reading this letter (the older you) finally joined the grown-up society today, so take the final step and throw away all those old clothes hangers, you know the mismatched wire, plastic and wooden hangers.

Because the younger you doesn’t have a looking glass into the future, I can only wonder what kind of matching clothes hangers you purchased. I bet they are pretty stylish and definitely a cut above those garbage picked, thrift store clothes hangers you used to own. And speaking of thrift stores, I hope you stopped shopping at thrift stores for your wardrobe in the future. The younger you will grudgingly admit that your funny-patterned sweater vests and corduroy pants were definitely a fashion statement in your early/mid twenties, but a man has to grow up. And when a man grows up he has to let go of his old fashion sense and donate them back to the same place he purchased them years ago. (And the cycle continues.)

So, what kind of clothes do you own now? Double breasted suits? Pinstripes? Khakis? The younger you knows that even in the future you will have a good sense of style but he is a little worried that your future friends (probably golf buddies) will influence you to buy lots of sweaters, probably even some tacky sweaters with bad golf patterns on them. If that is the case, I (the younger you) pleads with you to throw them away, they will only make younger people stare at you and give you nicknames like, Fuzzy Dunlap or Squares McGee. The younger you doesn’t want that, he wants his future self to have a nickname like Captain Fantastic, they can call you “The Cap” for short.

Another concern the younger you has about buying matching clothes hangers is that you might have been prompted to do so by your (my, future) wife. I’m guessing we both never thought we make it that far in grown up society. But maybe a wife is what you need, I mean she did encourage you to buy some matching clothes hangers, let’s just hope she lets you share enough room in your closet (ha, ha… younger you humor). So, what is she like? I’m hoping she is a hottie (the older you will probably not refer to women as “hotties”, so to speak with vocab you’ll understand, a mature, sexy woman). Let’s hope she is. And not just any hottie (mature, sexy woman), hopefully a MEGA hottie! You know the type: a perfect 10, with natural breasts that aren’t too big that they draw attention but big enough that you can at least plant your face in them and get that tit sweat all over your face the way you like (you still like that right?).

Well, the younger you is getting pretty exhausted writing this. He’s thinking that he shouldn’t be wasting his time on the internet blogging, but rather finding funny, bizarre websites. Here’s a website that the younger you thought was pretty funny, hopefully the humor isn’t lost with age:  http://cryingwhileeating.com/.

Best of luck, future you, from the younger you. Congrats on being a grown up.

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~ by Rand McTally on January 8, 2009.

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