Edward “Snore”ton

The internet. The information super highway. No inter-highway patrol. No speed limit. A guy like myself could put the top down on his computer and cruise the land of information for hours on end (maybe even make a few inter-highway rest stops along the way to get a knobber with some interweb porn). It’s great to live in America, the country that invented the internet.

If I continue the analogy of the internet being the greatest highway of information in the world with no limits, I’d like to stop here for a second to reflect upon something I’ve been very passionate about the last few week: my hatred of all things Edward Norton. I wouldn’t mind the guy so much if he kept his showboating to Hollywood where he shamelessly walks around shirtless flaunting his swastika tattoos and cheap haircuts. If that was the case (being from the Midwestern United States and thousands of miles away) I could live with it. But this guy seriously has the nerve to invade my personal life as I cruise down the information super highway.

I know I said that I’m all for the interweb highway to have no rules, but how much information can the internet handle before it burns down faster than the library at Alexandria? I’m not a computer whiz, so I don’t really know the answer… but I’m guessing that it’s getting very cluttered, very quickly. Do a Google search for Edward Norton and you’ll get over 4,290,000 hits. Is this even necessary? If I did a search for his name only one search result would be necessary and it would look something like this.

So what am I saying right now? I’m saying the internet needs more rules and regulations. If I learned anything from the recent animated movie Wall-E (side note: that site is kicking fantastic, and I’ve spent about 7 hours of my work day doing this) it’s that once you pile so much garbage on top of other garbage the only thing left on this planet will be cockroaches and robots, that and people will be floating around in space slurping down McDonald’s burgers and fries through cups. Now, regular readers of my blog know that I have a fascination with all things robots, but I am still in the camp of inventing robots for more humanitarian purposes and not as pooper scoopers.

Cries for the fast food at his feet, but would NOT be crying if instead it was Edward Norton thrown out of a car from the highway.

Cries for the fast food at his feet, but would NOT be crying if instead it was Edward Norton thrown out of a car onto the highway.

So before the internet implodes from so much internet trash, I’m going to start phase 3 of my “Curb Stomp Ed Norton Out Of Hollywood Campaign”. What does phase 3 entail? Well, it means erasing his name from all the databases on the internet! That’s right! No more 4 million plus hits on Google! No more photo galleries of him in drag. So when someone types in “edward” into Google, you can read about real men like, Edward Kennedy, Edward I of England, Edward Scissorhands (played by the only true actor working in Hollywood today and very America loving, Johnny Depp) and Edward Kerry (he’s not on Google yet, but he was the greatest physics teacher this blogger has ever known). And if you type in “norton” into Dogpile, you should only be able to get results for the Norton Antivirus software, the Norton Museum of Art in FL (stop by for the snack stand if there for some really great churros), and hopefully one day soon Bob Norton (another great mentor of mine).

My first plan of action to get phase 3 started is writing a strongly worded letter to Google and IMDb to have them purge their databases of this Hollywood trash. I’m not sure how they’ll respond, but I have a feeling that once they read this blog and see how the “real” American public feels, they’ll be forced to erase him off the inter-highway for good, and with such internet giants as these two companies… the rest will soon follow.

NOTE: Phase 3 of my “Curb Stop ‘Snore’ton Out of Tinseltown” also has a free t-shirt give away. The first three people to comment on this blog with an anti-‘Bore’ton comment will receive a free t-shirt that I’ve been working very hard at designing. So, let’s all work together and if you’re interested in joining my anti-‘whore’ton street crew, email me and I’ll send out all the pamphlets, bumper stickers, stickers, and children’s size hoodies that I got back from the printers… luckily they screw up so I got quite the deal.


~ by Rand McTally on July 12, 2008.

10 Responses to “Edward “Snore”ton”

  1. You sir, are an idiot.

  2. Do you honestly have nothing better to do?

  3. if johnny depp loves america so much, why does he live in france?

  4. Hey dude, if Edward Norton is a Nazi, how come he has a Jewish girlfriend, Shawna Robertson? Let’s see you back up some of your statements with fact.

  5. Sieg Heil!!!!!

    EDWARD NORTON RAPES BABY SEALS! (While Heidi Klum watches)

  6. So does your mama

  7. how awesome it would be if u go and help some poor kids gettin’ some food. Just havin’ some questions in my mind.
    Did u get rejected for some role, lets say Primal Fear, that Ed Norton got? Hmm, seems justifiable.

    All I can say is May GOD guide you to the way of humans.
    Calm down dude..life sometimes sucks, dont make it suck for others 😉

  8. How in the world is Mr. Depp the only true actor working and all america loving when he’s from Kentucky but puts on a fake european accent just because?

  9. this is pointless crap.
    may god forgive you,man.

  10. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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