A Big Thank You!

•November 12, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I don’t update this blog as often as I should. I’m lazy, that’s my problem not yours. And even though I don’t have regular updates I did want to send a thank you to the few people that occasionally stop by. And from what I’ve found out from my stats is that most people come to my blog are here for one or two reasons. You either found this page by searching for “Showtime soft core porn” or because you were looking for pictures of Indians crying. That’s very commendable internet. I’m glad that my interests are yours and vice versa… but if only there were a way to combine the two. So I present to you the search results for “Showtime soft core Indian crying porn“… safe filters off!


Homorial Day*

•May 24, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I’m just throwing this out there because I don’t think any blogs have the stones to report on this. Everyone is probably thinking it but because no one else is going to say it… allow me. This Memorial Day, 2009, I’d like to thank all the queers in the military, past and present.

Now let’s all go out cook up some BBQ, see some parades, put American flags on veteran’s graves and suck a dick or two**! 

I try not to get too political with my blog posts, but I’m going to break my legendary silence and say that the current  “don’t ask don’t tell” policy is outdated and needs to be abolished. If it is really America’s goal to bring democracy to the Middle East, I think it’s important that the military gays be outed so that the most important facet of democracy is exported to the Iraqi people. And what do I think is the most important puzzle piece of American democracy? Fashion, of course. And who knows fashion better than the cock smokers? So I say let’s get those Moslems out of robes and towel hats and into Ray Bans and ironic 80s t-shirts… queer eye for the terrorist guy style.  

*I’m pretty much reserving my place in hell for this. See you there and hopefully, I get a nice apartment down in hell between OJ Simpson and Charles Manson.

**I will not be sucking any dicks this Memorial day, but don’t let that stop you… cuz you know, support the troops, blah… blah… don’t let the terrorists win and never forget 9/11.

Domestic Abuse

•March 11, 2009 • Leave a Comment

In an attempt to become more domesticated, I bought a bread maker this weekend. Truthfully, this is one purchase I’m beginning to regret. Most people say they try to live their lives with “no regrets” but when it comes to kitchen appliances, I regret everything. As a single guy, I figured it was my duty to be able to bake at least one thing. If anything it’s at least a conversation starter.

My favorite baked item is cake (more specifically, marble cake). But being a beginner and trying to learn how to bake a cake seemed like trying to become an artist and starting off  trying to duplicate a Van Gogh freehanded instead of the logical beginner’s choice, a paint-by-numbers Norman Rockwell watercolor. So, baking a cake was out of the question for fear of ending up as next week’s entry on “Cake Wrecks“. So, with cake out of the question, I decided I’d carb-load and learn how to bake some bread. 

Where does one go in Green Bay, Wisconsin to buy a top of the line bread maker? The answer is Sears and it’s no surprise that is also the answer to where you go to go to buy a good pair of chinos. Anyway, flashback to Saturday afternoon sometime around 1PM. I’m about 6 beers deep, the bottle of Scotch was nearing it’s depletion, and I had already seen the episode of “Sister, Sister” that was on the Disney channel. Seemed like a good enough time, the stars were all aligned in my favor so I put on some pants and headed to Sears.

The best thing about Sears (aside from the chinos) is that you don’t go there and do much impulse shopping. A good Sears shopper can be in and out of the store in 10 minutes, 15 tops. Good Sears shoppers know what they want, they want quality, that’s why they shop at Sears. 

So, I buy the bread maker and bring it home. After I’m done unpackaging, the bread maker I realize that the contraption didn’t come with instructions. Not off to a good start. But as a 21st century man I figure that if I understand computers I should be able to tame a bread maker into submission.

A good chef once said that you, “judge a man by the ingredients he has in his kitchen.” Wow, truer words might never have been spoken. That phrase hits an eleven on a ten point metaphor scale. Sadly, the only ingredients I had in my kitchen that Saturday were a couple beers, leftover Chinese food, some unopened Ramen packets, and a loaf of bread. Noticing the already pre-packaged bread made me question my decision of buying a bread maker, but this was an experiment in becoming more domesticated, right? 

At this point, I was pretty much at a standstill for the next half hour. An epic stare-down between man and machine. In hindsight I probably should have called it a day and made one of my famous leftover Chinese and Ramen sandwiches with the already packaged bread, but I already bought the bread maker so I was past the point of no return. Literally. What I mean by literally is that Sears has a no return policy, so I could either try to make some bread or sell the contraption on Craigslist. I don’t give up easily so I decided to try and make some bread.

Admittedly, I didn’t have the right ingredients to make a fresh loaf of bread so I thought it would be best to improve upon what bread I did have.  I’d bake a loaf of bread from an already baked loaf. My thought was that I’d improve upon it by trying to deep fry the already made and packaged bread in the recently purchased bread maker. I never tasted deep fried bread and it sounded like a good idea at the time. 

I’m not going to bore you with the details of what came next. It seems pretty self explanatory that trying to deep fry bread in a bread maker is a bad idea, I didn’t realize that at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, nearsight isn’t, duh, but I’m writing this after the fact. I also didn’t realize that deep frying anything could lead to some serious burns and scaring of the skin. I now know these lessons. I also know that I should probably wear a shirt when trying to deep fry. Lessons learned, get up and try again… or not. Coincidently, the Green Bay area has a new Craiglist posting for a bread maker.

kittens inspired by $$$

•February 12, 2009 • 2 Comments

Last September a little butterfly flapped it’s wings on YouTube and now it’s finally beginning to pour all over Internet. Arguably the most viewed video on Internet clogging up the tubes today is called “kittens inspired by kittens” (after the jump). I say arguably because Joaquin Phoenix’s batshit crazy, drug addled appearance (hoax) on Letterman last night is also lighting up the switchboards as well. When I first started writing this blog I promised myself and my readers that I wouldn’t post kitten videos because a) I’m mostly callous to “cute”,  b) artistic integrity, and c) I’m not a pre-pubescent girl. But today I am going to post this video because everybody else who is posting this video (people who find cat videos cute and pre-pubescent girls) all over Internet isn’t getting to the real story. Is everybody ready to get schooled in some hard knocks investigative Internet reporting? I know I am because I just bought a shit-ton of polish that I’m going to need to keep my Nobel prize nice and shiny.

Here’s the video you guys:

Fair warning to everyone, set your email filters to block out anything with “FWD: cute kid and kittens” right now because your Mom just saw this video and she thought of you while watching this and is sending this to you and all your relatives right now.

Hey kids, who wants Dairy Queen?

Hey kids, who wants Dairy Queen?

So, where is this great investigative reporting I promised? Well, it’s just below the surface and it has a name. It’s name is YouTube user blakekelly0. That’s right the original poster of this video is the culprit and offender of one of the greatest crimes perpetrated by parents, the exploitation of your own children. This video is obviously going to land this cute little girl her own sitcom on the FOX network and end up like Gary Coleman she’ll being spit out of the industry bankrupt and addicted to Percodans. And who will be left laughing after the million dollar bank deposits in their name? Blakekelly0.

We’ve all seen this happen before. Parents wasted all their own potential slaving away to the corporate office job and wishing for a better life they turn to their children and make them dance like monkeys all over the stage for our media consumption and enjoyment. Don’t believe me? Look at blakekell0’s YouTube page. All the videos star this user’s children. They might as well have chosen the user name “PleaseSignOurKidsToASitcom!” because that’s all I see when they look at their page. This is the blueprint of how to exploit children. Actually, this is the blueprint on how to exploit children:

  1. Have children
  2. Buy video camera and sign up for a YouTube
  3. ???
  4. Profit!

Well, I for one, am not going to stand for this. Childhood is sacred and a very fragile time in a person’s life, I mean, potty training alone can either make or break a person in this work-a-day corporate world. So, I’m either 100% right that these children are being exploited by their parents or Internet has finally found a way to replace wallet pictures of your children as the new *groan*.

What the Green Bay Evening News Will Look Like Tonight

•February 11, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I’m not the Amazing Kreskin, but I think I’m on to something here. This is what I imagine the local Green Bay news will report on tonight, I’m guessing my transcript will be about 98% accurate:

Good evening and welcome to the 6 o’clock news. I’m Drew Smith. Breaking news out of Mississippi today, Brett Favre announces his retirement through an email. The news comes as a shock to many fans across the country. We now go live to Curly’s Pub inside Lambeau Field where reporter Stacie Koberger has more.

Stacy: I’m here at Curly’s Pub with Packer fan Greg VanDenHoven. What are your thought’s about Brett’s retirement?
Greg: To me, Favre will always be a Packer. I love him so much. He’s a great athlete and person, on and off the field.
Stacy: Back to you Drew.

In other news, Brett Favre considers returning to football.

Nailed it!

A Letter To Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

•January 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

“Dear Ben or Jerry (or who knows, maybe you are both reading this together… if that’s the case I wonder who is reading to who or are you both reading it together aloud or silently),

First off, I want to tell you, I love ice cream AND I love rock ‘n’ roll. So every time I’m shopping for ice cream your brand is pretty much the obvious choice. You two must really love rock ‘n’ roll and ice cream too. What’s your favorite rock band? I bet it’s the Greatful Dead because Cherry Garcia is heavenly. My favorite rock band is The Who and I’m still waiting for the flavor “Keith ‘Blue’ Moon Ice Cream (don’t worry, I won’t charge you for the idea, just send free ice cream!).

I really don’t want to get into an argument with either of you but your cartons do say “satisfaction guaranteed or your money back”. Seriously?!? How can I live my rockin lifestyle by The Stone’s lyrics “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” and still have to pay for your ice cream? Logical conclusion, please send free ice cream OR money (to buy more ice cream).

Hope we die before we get too old,

How’s My Eating? Call 800-4CRYING!

•January 16, 2009 • 1 Comment

In my blog entry last week, I alluded to a website that I found to be humorous. The site is called “Crying While Eating“. Not much of a surprise that when you go to the site it’s a compilation of videos where people are eating and crying simultaneously. To me this site is Internet wearing it’s Sunday best. This is the kind of Internet subculture that turns it’s nose up at sites like MySpace and Facebook in favor of the obscure. One of my favorite writers/journalists of all times, Hunter Thompson, once wrote that, “when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro” and that’s exactly what this site is: a collection of Internet pros. 

So, in an effort to obtain pro status on Internet, I am going to make and submit  my own video to the site. And that’s where you, my gentle reader, come into play. I have lots of my own ideas, but I want this video to be a collective effort, because after all who is weirder than my readers? Maybe Gary Busey, but he won’t return my calls. 

Crying While Eating” only has 2 (two) requirements for their videos. A food has to be eaten and you need reason as to why you are crying. An example would be a guy eating an apple and crying because his girlfriend dumped him… it’s a boring example I know, but I’m only trying to set the scene. (Are your thinking caps on yet?)

A few ideas I have are: a guy outside eating a snowball and crying because of the severely cold weather (I’ll be filming this outside my home, I live in Green Bay, Wisconsin and to give you a frame of reference it was negative 50 degrees outside today with the windchill (exaggeration)). Another idea I’ve been kicking around (tangent: I never understood the phrase ‘kicking around an idea’… possible Random Tally Whacker entry) is a hobo living in a cardboard box eating baked beans and crying because he’s homeless as a result of the mortgage crisis (hey-o, topical humor). The last  (and possibly the worst (it’s the worst)) idea is wearing a KKK uniform, eating mac & cheese and crying because a black president is going to be sworn into office (*crickets, *groans). Ok, so the last idea isn’t really a possibility, just something to push the envelope and get you Random Tally soldiers  thinking.

Those are the best ideas that I’ve had so far. Like I said earlier, I need your help! I don’t like to whore out comments on my blog to myself, but me-so-horny… leave comment long time (Full Metal Zing!). So, let’s do this! Leave me a comment with your ideas!

In case you are a little skeptical about my acting abilities. I’ll let my resume speak for itself. Sorry about the technical delay, the resume store called me back and said their printers are all out of ink and my video resume won’t be ready for another week. But here’s a few links to some online videos I made in the past, I’ll let you be the judge, jury and executioner. My most famous role is a silent performance in a homemade Ween music video called “Boy’s Club“, in which I won a Grammy for best performance by a male in a homemade music video. I think my second best performance is either my “Lucky Buck sweatshirt” video (I played myself) or my dead-on Santa acting in the “Christmas 2008” video. (Sorry if you can’t view them because you aren’t my Facebook friend, if you want to see them, ask to be my FaceSpace friend, I’ll accept and then you can watch.) Anyway, what was I talking about? Ohh yeah, my acting ability. I don’t want to prematurely ejaculate all over this blog, but I’m pretty sure my acting-eating skills are good, but what will win the Academy over will be the crying. Robert DeNiro, watch your back, because if you are an animal (1:45 in the clip), then I am King of Internet Jungle (hear me roar)!

Finally, at a time in history when we are full of so much “hope” in the face of adversity, let’s blow the lid off of this weird-stand. Let’s show Internet what we are made of! Let’s show Internet what fills our bellies! Let’s show Internet what makes us cry!

(The Random Tally Promise: Give me a week and I’ll give you a video of a man crying while eating!)