RE: The 1504 Burlington Heights Property

Mr. and Mrs. Sampson,

Thank you again for taking the time to walk through the open house with me last Saturday and again congratulations on the recent marriage!

I thought I would take a little time out of my busy afternoon to reply to your email stating that you are not interested in the property I showed you. I know it might have been a little un-assuring having my parole officer present at the open house, but I can tell you in all confidence that I only have 6 more months of government supervision before the state deems me “rehabilitated”. And speaking of “rehabilitated” remember that 500 sq. ft. upstairs bathroom complete with jacuzzi? Let me tell you that the previous owner’s spared no expense with that bathroom remodel, you should know, I showed you the pictures.

I know you told me that you were comfortable to have an ex-convict as your real estate agent. I still remember you telling me that at our first meeting in my office, but I have a feeling that you might have been lying to me and that the only reason you went along with me to the open house was because I referred to the property as a real “steal”, which I can assure you it is (but in a very legal, law abiding sense).

Look, I want to you to be as open and honest with me as I am with you, no pity, please!

To show you that I’m going to be more honest, I have to tell you this; I lied when I said I went to jail for a little insider trading. Ok, there I said it, and to go one step further I’ll be completely honest with you, I was charged with pre-meditated (not really true, but I had a state’s attorney who could have cared less for my case) rape. I think you may have suspected that by the way I was looking at Mrs. Sampson and/or by the way I asked to give her a private tour of the bedroom, but I want you to know in all honesty I would never do anything to lose your business.

I know that you think this house might be a little too small for your taste but let me tell you it is spacious! Sure, 1,700 sq. ft. is no mansion but put yourself in my shoes for a second. For the last 6 years I lived in an 8×10 foot cell with another man AND there were no windows (unlike that solarium near the patio). And you want exercise? All I had was 2 hours outside a day in “the yard”, this house has it’s own outdoor Olympic sized pool, I’d certainly say you could get a lot of exercise swimming laps in that baby.

Again, I’d like to thank you for at least emailing me to tell me that you are going to need some time to think over your decision and in the meantime look at other houses with other agents. All I can ask is that you would give me a second chance (much like the Re/Max company has given me in my life with their “Behind Bars to Real Estate Stars” program) and know that I have many more properties I’d love to show you.

Brad Miller – Re/Max Real Estate

I Might Not Be Gay, BUT I Am Proud!

Less than a month ago, I put up a video blog (or vlog if you will) on here, it’s a music video that some friends and I made to the WEEN (best band you probably have not heard of) song “Boy’s Club”. So it’s been on my blog and on YouTube about a month now and it’s not getting the critical praise or internet traffic I was hoping for (I didn’t want to get ahead of myself when writing, directing, acting and editing the video, but I thought it was my ticket out of the stink hole town I call home… hopefully getting me discovered by Hollywood so I could move out there and personally Curb Stomp Edward Norton Out of Hollywood)…

After we made the video, I discovered that the concept of making a video to Boy’s Club was not original and there are two other YouTube videos (both by the same user, whose name I’ll bring into this little ordeal later on). OK, I understand that there are other guys out there that like the band WEEN, guys who like making music videos, and guys who just like to have fun… I get that, but the problem that I have is when my artistic endeavors are better than, BUT not as popular as. Get the picture?

He Played One…

I’m going to start a new feature on this blog called, “The Random Tally Whacker”. The premise is very simple and hopefully the result will be somewhat informative for my (many) readers. The idea behind “The Random Tally Whacker” is that I’m going to take certain phrases, lyrics, sayings and quotations out of popular culture and dissect them faster than it took me to puke in high school from seeing the innards of my dissected frog.

For my first ever “Tally Whacker” feature I’m going to use the “chorus” to the popular children’s song “This Old Man” (you know… the part that goes, “with a knick-knack, paddy-whack, gives his dog a bone). I’m not even sure what this song means but in the song a musically inclined old man starts playing “knick-knack” on all sorts of things (thumbs, shoes, sticks ect.). I’m only assuming he is musical because the songs says he’s “playing”… again with some assumptions I think the “knick-knacking” is a sort of beat that he plays, who knows maybe the old man used to be a percussionist in some old-timey jug band. I also like to think that the song would be completely different if instead of playing “knick-knack” the lyrics went something like this… “this old man, he played one, he turned “nick-nacks” out of my thumb, although I’m not entirely sure that this couldn’t be the case because old people really love their nick-nacks. But if this were true then not only would children have to worry about “The Pied Piper” and Catholic priests before bed, they’d have “This Old Man” to keep them up at night in worry.

BUT the most interesting part of the song is what comes next. He plays “knick-knack” then “paddy-whack”, so I ask you, what the hell is a paddy-whack? I understand that a “knick-knack” might be a type of percussion or figurine, but I have no idea about this “paddy-whack”. It’s NON-SENSE! I know the song is old and maybe I’m missing some type of old-timey connotation (like the time I thought “Hoovervilles” was the name of a store to buy vacuum cleaners) but I don’t think so… I think that this song has been falsely translated and lost it’s meaning after being passed down through the generations.

This Old Man, He Played A Billion, He Played Knick-Knack ON THAT Pigeon.

What do I think a “paddy-whack” is? Well, it could possibly be that he played “knick-knack”, with his patented Patty whack (true if the old man was Irish and his signature beat was called a “Patty whack” after his name Pat) and then he gives the dog a bone. OR it could be that he played “knick-knack”, works at McDonald’s and has to work behind the grill whacking burger pattys”, only to go home and feed his dog a bone, which hopefully the bones aren’t very expensive because he gives his dog a lot of bones in the song and if he works at Mickey D’s… he’s probably only making minimum wage.

Those are some possible interpretations of what I think this non-sense means. My only question to end this is that if the dog he gives a bone to is close enough (in proximity) to the old man at the end of the song…  how come he never “knick-knacks” or “patty-whacks” (“patty-whack” this time meaning an Irish Mafia hit) his dog, because in doing so he wouldn’t always have to give him so many bones…

Well, there you have it… the first ever installation of “The Random Tally Whacker”, I know I thought I said it would be informative, but after scanning this over… it’s been anything but. So I’m sorry if you were looking for a little insight or existentialism that arises in some children’s songs and poetry. I’ll try to do a little better next time. ORRRRRRREEEEE… if you have any suggestions about lyrics, quotes, phrases, colors, historical figures, poems, or fruit related questions, plug them into my comments and I’ll be happy to get around to them and Randomly Tally Whack the Shit Out of It.

The End. Game Over. AND most importantly, Winners Don’t Use Drugs… (unless it’s a drug taking contest, then there really is no winner, just a group of losers).

Edward “Snore”ton

The internet. The information super highway. No inter-highway patrol. No speed limit. A guy like myself could put the top down on his computer and cruise the land of information for hours on end (maybe even make a few inter-highway rest stops along the way to get a knobber with some interweb porn). It’s great to live in America, the country that invented the internet.

If I continue the analogy of the internet being the greatest highway of information in the world with no limits, I’d like to stop here for a second to reflect upon something I’ve been very passionate about the last few week: my hatred of all things Edward Norton. I wouldn’t mind the guy so much if he kept his showboating to Hollywood where he shamelessly walks around shirtless flaunting his swastika tattoos and cheap haircuts. If that was the case (being from the Midwestern United States and thousands of miles away) I could live with it. But this guy seriously has the nerve to invade my personal life as I cruise down the information super highway.

I know I said that I’m all for the interweb highway to have no rules, but how much information can the internet handle before it burns down faster than the library at Alexandria? I’m not a computer whiz, so I don’t really know the answer… but I’m guessing that it’s getting very cluttered, very quickly. Do a Google search for Edward Norton and you’ll get over 4,290,000 hits. Is this even necessary? If I did a search for his name only one search result would be necessary and it would look something like this.

So what am I saying right now? I’m saying the internet needs more rules and regulations. If I learned anything from the recent animated movie Wall-E (side note: that site is kicking fantastic, and I’ve spent about 7 hours of my work day doing this) it’s that once you pile so much garbage on top of other garbage the only thing left on this planet will be cockroaches and robots, that and people will be floating around in space slurping down McDonald’s burgers and fries through cups. Now, regular readers of my blog know that I have a fascination with all things robots, but I am still in the camp of inventing robots for more humanitarian purposes and not as pooper scoopers.

Cries for the fast food at his feet, but would NOT be crying if instead it was Edward Norton thrown out of a car onto the highway.

So before the internet implodes from so much internet trash, I’m going to start phase 3 of my “Curb Stomp Ed Norton Out Of Hollywood Campaign”. What does phase 3 entail? Well, it means erasing his name from all the databases on the internet! That’s right! No more 4 million plus hits on Google! No more photo galleries of him in drag. So when someone types in “edward” into Google, you can read about real men like, Edward Kennedy, Edward I of England, Edward Scissorhands (played by the only true actor working in Hollywood today and very America loving, Johnny Depp) and Edward Kerry (he’s not on Google yet, but he was the greatest physics teacher this blogger has ever known). And if you type in “norton” into Dogpile, you should only be able to get results for the Norton Antivirus software, the Norton Museum of Art in FL (stop by for the snack stand if there for some really great churros), and hopefully one day soon Bob Norton (another great mentor of mine).

My first plan of action to get phase 3 started is writing a strongly worded letter to Google and IMDb to have them purge their databases of this Hollywood trash. I’m not sure how they’ll respond, but I have a feeling that once they read this blog and see how the “real” American public feels, they’ll be forced to erase him off the inter-highway for good, and with such internet giants as these two companies… the rest will soon follow.

NOTE: Phase 3 of my “Curb Stop ‘Snore’ton Out of Tinseltown” also has a free t-shirt give away. The first three people to comment on this blog with an anti-’Bore’ton comment will receive a free t-shirt that I’ve been working very hard at designing. So, let’s all work together and if you’re interested in joining my anti-’whore’ton street crew, email me and I’ll send out all the pamphlets, bumper stickers, stickers, and children’s size hoodies that I got back from the printers… luckily they screw up so I got quite the deal.

Thanks A Latte For The Memories

I know this is not the usual spare change put into your tip jar that you are used to receiving from me, but I can’t keep living this charade. I have to tell you, I don’t like coffee, there I said it, I feel much better now. I don’t even like tea for that matter either or anything else you sell at this coffee shop. I’ve been coming here every day for the past 3 months because of you.

A note slipped into your “Thanks A Latte” jar is probably not the most conventional method of asking you on a date but I can’t seem to get up the courage to ask you in person and believe me I tried. Remember a few weeks ago when I started talking to you, stumbled over my words said, “maybe one day you’d like to go on a daaaa – daaaaring adventure,” and then I redeemed myself by saying “and by daring adventure I mean, borrowing this book called ‘Young Indiana Jones and the Tomb of Terror’ it’s a thrill ride from start to finish?” What I meant to say was, “maybe one day you’d like to go on a daaaate” and by the way, I’m really going to need you to return the book because I didn’t think it would sell on eBay, but someone from just bought it.

I know that we don’t know each other very well but Shakespeare once wrote a sonnet that said, “how do I love thee, let me count the ways,” well, I’ve counted the ways and I’ve come up with four. Four ways. That might not seem like much to you, but it’s a hell of a lot better than my last girlfriend (that cheating waitress from Applebee’s) who I only counted two ways before I asked her on a date.

Now, I’m sure you are anxious to know the four ways so I’ll get right to it.

1. I love your name. I know that you don’t know mine and the only reason I know yours is because of your colorfully decorated name tag, but often times I fall asleep whispering your name, Rachel.

2. You never get mad at me when I take one sip of my coffee and ask you to remake the cup because it doesn’t taste quite right. As I said earlier, I don’t like coffee and as soon as I walk out the door I dump my coffee in a trash canister, I only ask you to remake my coffee to spend more time with you and the loving patience that you show while doing this is incredible.

3. I love how you say “whooping cream” instead of “whipped cream”. Remember that great one-and-a-half minute conversation we had about that and how you said it was a bad habit you learned from your grandmother who calls it that? I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d love to meet your grandmother one day, I’d love to meet your entire family.

You know what? I can’t do this anymore and my last reason isn’t even a reason, it’s just a word, boobs, and this is all starting to become overwhelming. How could it even work out between the two of us? I mean, you work eight hours out of the day in a coffee shop, so you probably come home with your hair smelling like coffee and I hate to keep bring this up, I don’t even like coffee. Plus working in a coffee shop probably means you drink lots of coffee which keeps you up late at night, and I’m not a night owl. So let’s just say this was an experiment in things that might have been. It was great while it lasted, I’ll never forget my visits to your coffee shop. What will I do now? I’ll probably spend my free time at the grocery store down the road from my house buying candy bars, tabloids and gum (things I definitely like) from this new cashier girl. So thanks for the memories and I hope we’ll keep in touch (and by keep in touch I mean that you’ll return my Indiana Jones book).

P.S. Do you think it’s romantic to spell out “I Love You” in Snickers bars on a grocery store conveyor belt?

If I Was King For A Day (A Poem)

If I was king for a day,

all the adults would turn to children and play.

And if I was the king,

I know I would change a thing

(or two) (or three)

and run my empire from a tree.

—-

If I was king for a day,

everyone would love me… or so they’d say.

And for all the treason,

I’d give you a reason,

to lose your head

and have no supper before you bed.

—-

If I was king for the day,

I’d prefer it be in the springly month of May.

And from all my king-ish coffers

I’d steal from the rich and give to the paupers,

so wealth would not be an illusion,

and my citizens would lack any economic confusion.

—-

And if I was king for a day,

men would come from miles away

(to celebrate)

the greatest ball to ever be thrown (they’d arrive promptly at eight)

(o’clock)

and leave in the morning with a headache from the bock.

—-

And that next day, I’d no longer be king.

But songs would be written about me that people would sing,

the harmony so sweet,

that all the birds would tweet

(along with the lyric)

about my kingship for a day that was truly epic.

Happy North Of July!

No, that’s not a typo. I really typed “north” instead of “fourth”. Why did I do it? Well, for one it rhymes. But more importantly that’s the name by which I’ll be celebrating this very American (and sometimes Puerto Rican) holiday today.

So why am I changing the name of the holiday I’ve celebrated and loved for so many years? I’m doing it because I can’t stand the hypocrisy any more! Today is supposed to be a day to make sweet love to this country with fireworks, hot dogs, tacos, roller coasters, American Flags, and (American) beer from Maine (the pine tree state) all the way to California (the natural disaster state). All 50 states celebrate the holiday and most people have the day off. It couldn’t be any more wonderful… or could it?

This might cause a little bit of a controversy here, but I think it could be more wonderful. So how am I going to make it more wonderful? Well, I already started by changing the name. The next part might be a bit more complex and anger some people, but I want to pass a law through Congress that only Americans in the North (above the Mason-Dixon line) should be allowed to celebrate this holiday while the rest of this country (the South) should use this day to shower and read a book… trust me people of the South, it’s for your own good… so gitttery git er dun.

So where does they hypocrisy fit in? Well, if today is supposed to be a day to make love to America, I can say on pretty good authority that people of the South are probably not making love to this country, they are probably too busy drunkenly groping their first cousins. And if today is a day to salute the American flag, you can pretty much bet the only flag they’ll be saluting is in the form of Confederacy.

I have a feeling that this law won’t get through Congress, but in an ideal world, it really how it should be. Why do I think the law won’t get passed?

1. I lost my School House Rock video on “How A Bill Becomes A Law”.
2. My local congressman won’t return my calls since the last law I tried to pass nearly got him impeached.
3. People might get confused by the name of the holiday since technically you can’t really be north of a month.
4. Southern people vote too. I don’t know this for a fact, but they probably have lots of free time between truck mudding and picking up welfare checks.

But even if I can’t celebrate this not new, only revised, holiday of mine on a national level, I’ll be celebrating it on a personal level. And what am I going to do to celebrate the first ever “North of July”? I’ll probably eat about 14 hot dogs, watch some fireworks AND I’m definitely going to salute the greatest American that ever lived. Harry Caray!

What makes him the greatest American that ever lived? Well, July 4th is both the date of his birth and his death (he also lived about 74 years in between the two). Most of the 74 years of his life were spent at Wrigley Field (Wrigley being the greatest American gum company) where he announced Cubs (greatest American baseball team) games. Not only did he announce the games, but before he was an announcer he invented the sport of baseball which would later go on to be called “America’s pass time”. Mr. Caray is also very famous for singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during each baseball game, coincidentally this song is the only other song he wrote besides “The Star Spangled Banner”, both being the two best songs to ever come out of this great country.

So, Happy Birthday America! But more importantly, Happy Birthday Geraldo Rivera!

If Internet Celebrity Were A Drug…

It would be MD-fucking-MA… pure extacy!

Is it too soon to say I’m a celebrity on the information SUPER highway?

Probably not. How do I know this? Well, how about being listed on the growing blogs page! I know I’m only listed at #78, but I definitely beat out this stupid blog called The Farmer’s Daughter who is listed at (scoffs) #95. Plus most of the growing blogs are blogs not written in English… so technically I probably should be listed somewhere around #4 or #5.

To further support my cause, why not trying doing a Google search for “edward norton atheist” or “miley cyrus chatroom“? That’s right, I’m there on the first page!

So once the interweb starts getting their own hip, trendy nightclubs I know that I won’t need a reservation and I definitely know I won’t be standing behind the velvet ropes either.

A Miley Cyrus AOL Chatroom Goes To A McDonald’s Drive Thru (A Play In One Act)

Spring, 2008. Anytown, USA.

A 2003 Dodge Minivan with a “Soccer Mom” bumper sticker pulls up in line at a McDonalds drive-thru. Inside the van are hungry, Miley Cyrus fans composed from various AOL Chatrooms.

Curtain Opens

ashleytisdale217 (in passenger seat, turns up the car stereo to and sings along): Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha Sha!

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Welcome to McDonald’s! Can I take your order?

picklee (still screaming along to the music): SHAAAA- TUPPPP!

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Can you please turn your music down? I can’t hear you. Order whenever you’re ready.

I_Am_The_Morgan: No offense, picklee, but it doesn’t count if one person says it more than once in the same post.
Oh yeah. And……

SHA

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: If you ladies aren’t going to order can you please get out of the drive thru line. We are very busy today.

Happiness And Disaster: It’s called getting your point across. Try it sometimes

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Excuse me? I think I did just get my point across. Please order or leave the line.

Muzick_Lvr: On Youtube this one kid had like Miley Cyrus everywhere and when I say everywhere I mean everywhere!!!

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Seriously, this is the last time I am going to ask you to order or leave the line, otherwise I’m going to get my manager.

txhurletbsx: OMG! LOLZ!

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: That’s it, I warned you!

antimarthie: I like Cry Me a River waaaaay better than 7 things

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Ok. Now we’re getting somewhere. Did you say you wanted seven things? Or a #7?

RomeosJuliet21: WTF?

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Listen. This is how it works. You look at the pictures of the meals and you tell me the number of the picture next to the meal you want. So you want a #7? Anything else? Anything to drink?

zydcomic2003: All those pictures you mentioned are taken before the media frenzy for her vf photoes.(which began at the end of April 2008)

The ones with the guy are taken early this year, leaked in April, others should be taken back in 2007. Her recent look is much different from those photoes.

So your statement is false.

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: Look, it’s not false. See the pictures on the board? All you have to do is tell me what you want to order, I’ll make it for you and then you can get out of here. Have you girls really watched so much television that your brains have literally turned into mush?

MadAsRabbits: Hannah Montana. I personally don’t like the tv show. But, that doesn’t change the fact that I like Miley. People say “I like Hannah Montana better than Miley Cyrus” or vice versa. To that sentence I say: “WTF!? They’re the same person! The only diffrence is the wig!!”. Then I think and say “Oh, they are talking about the tv show” and completely made a fool out of myself but i’ll get over it……….

McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker: That’s it, I’m getting my manager.

Curtain closes. (Fat lady sings)

A Break-Up Letter… Of Sorts

Well, I think we both knew this day was coming. Are you really that surprised? Let’s not try to dwell on this moment right now because, really, is it going to do either of us any good? Over the past 12 years we’ve had lots of fun together… well, I had fun. I’m not going to blame you and say that you lack feeling, because it’s in your nature… I know, you can’t feel. Sure, I had fun, but when it comes down to it, a lot of the times you made me feel ashamed… ashamed of me being a man, shamed into all those guilty desires and unfulfilled fantasies. So today is finally the day that I’m going to throw you to the curb. Literally. Tomorrow when the garbage man picks up the rest of my trash… there you’ll be… dumped and on your way to the dump.

Am I going to see others? I’m not going to lie to you, yes I will. I’ll probably trade you in for a better model(s). I know that you’ve been in my life a long time, we’ve been together even before I met and married my wife, but I had to grow up and get married… you knew that and you accepted that. So let’s not make this harder than it has to be.

Why am I doing this now? Well for one, my wife and I just bought this new entertainment system for the living room. It’s all high tech: flat screen, HD, DVD and this part is probably going to be the dagger to the heart… we’re getting rid of everything VHS. So, that is why I have to leave you now… just know that you’ll be my first and only VHS porno movie. Thank you, “Hard At Work” for all those years that you’ve given me, you’ll be missed.

I want you to know this isn’t easy for me. I’m trying to be cold and heartless right now, but I can’t do it. So to make this easier for me I’m going to get a little sentimental. Remember the time we first met? It was my junior year of college and I came home drunk from the bars and there you were… being broadcast on Showtime. I’ll never forget how I scrambled around to find a blank VHS tape to press record. And what about last year when the wife took that business trip to Miami? Remember how I didn’t have to keep you hidden in the tool-box in the basement and how I was able to pretty much keep you in the VCR for the entire week? But times haven’t always been that good… like the first year of my marriage when I had to tell you to go into hiding and how we never saw each other for almost an entire year. Or how about when the wife caught me watching you and threated to leave me unless I threw you away. But I stuck by you, kept you a secret for all these years… my little secret.

So, this is it. This is good-bye. I’ll miss you. I don’t want to replace you, but I do have to tell you that this DVR thing has got me pretty excited and I think it’s best if we both just move on.