Thanks A Latte For The Memories

I know this is not the usual spare change put into your tip jar that you are used to receiving from me, but I can’t keep living this charade. I have to tell you, I don’t like coffee, there I said it, I feel much better now. I don’t even like tea for that matter either or anything else you sell at this coffee shop. I’ve been coming here every day for the past 3 months because of you.

A note slipped into your “Thanks A Latte” jar is probably not the most conventional method of asking you on a date but I can’t seem to get up the courage to ask you in person and believe me I tried. Remember a few weeks ago when I started talking to you, stumbled over my words said, “maybe one day you’d like to go on a daaaa – daaaaring adventure,” and then I redeemed myself by saying “and by daring adventure I mean, borrowing this book called ‘Young Indiana Jones and the Tomb of Terror’ it’s a thrill ride from start to finish?” What I meant to say was, “maybe one day you’d like to go on a daaaate” and by the way, I’m really going to need you to return the book because I didn’t think it would sell on eBay, but someone from just bought it.

I know that we don’t know each other very well but Shakespeare once wrote a sonnet that said, “how do I love thee, let me count the ways,” well, I’ve counted the ways and I’ve come up with four. Four ways. That might not seem like much to you, but it’s a hell of a lot better than my last girlfriend (that cheating waitress from Applebee’s) who I only counted two ways before I asked her on a date.

Now, I’m sure you are anxious to know the four ways so I’ll get right to it.

1. I love your name. I know that you don’t know mine and the only reason I know yours is because of your colorfully decorated name tag, but often times I fall asleep whispering your name, Rachel.

2. You never get mad at me when I take one sip of my coffee and ask you to remake the cup because it doesn’t taste quite right. As I said earlier, I don’t like coffee and as soon as I walk out the door I dump my coffee in a trash canister, I only ask you to remake my coffee to spend more time with you and the loving patience that you show while doing this is incredible.

3. I love how you say “whooping cream” instead of “whipped cream”. Remember that great one-and-a-half minute conversation we had about that and how you said it was a bad habit you learned from your grandmother who calls it that? I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d love to meet your grandmother one day, I’d love to meet your entire family.

You know what? I can’t do this anymore and my last reason isn’t even a reason, it’s just a word, boobs, and this is all starting to become overwhelming. How could it even work out between the two of us? I mean, you work eight hours out of the day in a coffee shop, so you probably come home with your hair smelling like coffee and I hate to keep bring this up, I don’t even like coffee. Plus working in a coffee shop probably means you drink lots of coffee which keeps you up late at night, and I’m not a night owl. So let’s just say this was an experiment in things that might have been. It was great while it lasted, I’ll never forget my visits to your coffee shop. What will I do now? I’ll probably spend my free time at the grocery store down the road from my house buying candy bars, tabloids and gum (things I definitely like) from this new cashier girl. So thanks for the memories and I hope we’ll keep in touch (and by keep in touch I mean that you’ll return my Indiana Jones book).

P.S. Do you think it’s romantic to spell out “I Love You” in Snickers bars on a grocery store conveyor belt?

~ by Rand McTally on July 8, 2008.