A Break-Up Letter… Of Sorts

Well, I think we both knew this day was coming. Are you really that surprised? Let’s not try to dwell on this moment right now because, really, is it going to do either of us any good? Over the past 12 years we’ve had lots of fun together… well, I had fun. I’m not going to blame you and say that you lack feeling, because it’s in your nature… I know, you can’t feel. Sure, I had fun, but when it comes down to it, a lot of the times you made me feel ashamed… ashamed of me being a man, shamed into all those guilty desires and unfulfilled fantasies. So today is finally the day that I’m going to throw you to the curb. Literally. Tomorrow when the garbage man picks up the rest of my trash… there you’ll be… dumped and on your way to the dump.

Am I going to see others? I’m not going to lie to you, yes I will. I’ll probably trade you in for a better model(s). I know that you’ve been in my life a long time, we’ve been together even before I met and married my wife, but I had to grow up and get married… you knew that and you accepted that. So let’s not make this harder than it has to be.

Why am I doing this now? Well for one, my wife and I just bought this new entertainment system for the living room. It’s all high tech: flat screen, HD, DVD and this part is probably going to be the dagger to the heart… we’re getting rid of everything VHS. So, that is why I have to leave you now… just know that you’ll be my first and only VHS porno movie. Thank you, “Hard At Work” for all those years that you’ve given me, you’ll be missed.

I want you to know this isn’t easy for me. I’m trying to be cold and heartless right now, but I can’t do it. So to make this easier for me I’m going to get a little sentimental. Remember the time we first met? It was my junior year of college and I came home drunk from the bars and there you were… being broadcast on Showtime. I’ll never forget how I scrambled around to find a blank VHS tape to press record. And what about last year when the wife took that business trip to Miami? Remember how I didn’t have to keep you hidden in the tool-box in the basement and how I was able to pretty much keep you in the VCR for the entire week? But times haven’t always been that good… like the first year of my marriage when I had to tell you to go into hiding and how we never saw each other for almost an entire year. Or how about when the wife caught me watching you and threated to leave me unless I threw you away. But I stuck by you, kept you a secret for all these years… my little secret.

So, this is it. This is good-bye. I’ll miss you. I don’t want to replace you, but I do have to tell you that this DVR thing has got me pretty excited and I think it’s best if we both just move on.

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~ by Rand McTally on July 2, 2008.