An Open Letter To My Guardian Angel (Post Dated To July 5th, 1998)

First off, I hope you had a great 4th. I didn’t realize that that guardian angels took days off, let alone celebrated American holidays, but I’m sure you’re nursing quite the hangover while I’m writing this as high as a kite on pain killers prescribed from the emergency room last night. I realize that watching over me in your invisible state 24 hours a day must be exhausting and I’m sure taking last night off was well deserved, but I could have used you. I really needed a voice of reason to tell me that lighting off all those firecrackers in my hand was decidedly a bad idea and not the several voices cheering me on from the beer cooler. From now on, I’d ask of you to keep your holiday vacations to only one day (and if I’m not being too picky I’d prefer it to be Thanksgiving).

I also have a question for you. Are guardian angels like starfish in the way that they can grow back limbs (or fingers) if they lose them? I hate to question your knowledge of human anatomy but people can’t grow back fingers! And who is going to pay for the emergency room bill and months of physical therapy ahead of me? I’m sure it’s not going to be you and as far as I know you’ve never once gave or let me borrow any money. I know that’s not how the whole deal between people and guardian angels work but you basically follow me around, therefore, you kind-of live in my apartment as well, it’d be nice if you start splitting the rent with me (I’m sure that your boss God could help you out with this). But in all honesty I expect nothing of you and I’ll probably end up getting another job, but who is going to hire a guy missing two fingers on his left hand?

You know what I can’t do this anymore, I’m going to have to ask you to resign from your position. I can’t think of any better way to let you go than through the management technique called the “compliment sandwich”. If you don’t know what that is, basically I’m going to say one nice thing about you, one criticism and then another compliment. To start, thanks a lot for keeping me safe on that long drive through that crazy thunderstorm on my way back home from that concert 3 weeks ago. I was hydroplaning all over the road and you did an excellent job that night. Then there’s the matter of last night again, you really dropped the ball. I hate to keep bringing this up, but do you realize how hard it is to type when you are missing two fingers? And lastly, I really admire your invisible nature of being. You must really have a lot of fun with that.

Who am I going to get to replace you? Well, since that boating accident that took place during the summer of ‘95 I’ve started accepting a few resumes and I think I have it all but narrowed down. My top two candidates are: “Johnny Angel” from the 1962 Shelley Fabares hit song and the “Angel of the Morning” (the Pretenders version). I admit hiring guardian angels based off of song lyrics might not be the best move on my part, but in all my years of existence they’ve never lost me any of my bodily appendages and I really hate to point finger here (well, actually I can’t thanks to your absence last night) but you have.

~ by Rand McTally on June 30, 2008.