Smear’s Johnny!

Politics. Elections. Smear campaigns. That’s right. I can’t wait for this election season! As a libertarian, I don’t care much for politics but I am interested in everything “name-calling”. I’m sure this year both presidential hopefuls are going to get their fair share of egg on the face. I mean this is the first ever election where a black man is running for president and I’ve already noticed more people feel comfortable using the “n” word in public (although that might not be a fair assumption because all my research for this comes from Chris Rock comedy sets at Bonnaroo).

A little Wikipedia history for you here: the first ever smear campaign was engineered by President Woodrow Wilson’s cabinet in the US Presidential election of 1912. Using inside information, then presidential hopeful Wilson found out that a year earlier the active President Howard Taft (a rather jolly man, meaning all 300 plus pounds of jolly) got physically stuck in the White House bathtub and had to be “smeared” with 10 tubs of butter to be greased out of the tub. Thus started the great “smear” campaign of 1912 which would go on to win Wilson the election later that year.

But as I said earlier, I’m not into politics. So starting a smear campaign against John McCain stating my feelings that he is unworldly (which is to say that he is possibly a Martian) isn’t really advantageous to me. But I did want to give my readers a little taste on how to effectively run a smear campaign against someone. And who better to knock off his “high horse” than Hollywood celebrity Edward Norton (before I begin, I’d like to make it perfectly clear that this is no way a direct result of that piece of shit movie he just recently put out called “The Incredible Hulk”).

So, first off, what makes me better than Mr. Norton? I mean, I definitely don’t have his kind of money or celebrity… so that pretty much makes him a somebody and me a nobody, right? Wrong! I want to start by saying that I am first and foremost an American citizen and I love my country and would do anything except service my country in the military to defend it! I also have on good authority that Mr. Norton got his role as Derek Vinyard in “American History X” not because of his acting ability but be he, himself, is an actual Nazi. You thought those tattoos he had in that movie were a bunch of Hollywood makeup? Not even close, he got them at Vick’s Tattoo shop in North Hollywood circa 1988. And speaking of the movie “American History X”, wasn’t there a scene where you see a nude Edward Norton? I personally think that Hollywood is a family industry Mr. Norton and not some sort of sick business for you to flaunt your own personal, pornographic endeavors. I know for a fact that I have never and will never appear nude in any sort of film… I’m proud of the naked body that the Lord (yes, I believe in God, unlike you Mr. Edward Norton, atheist) and I would never do anything pornographic with it, my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

What else? Well, let’s see how about the movie “Fight Club”? Ever hear the phrase life imitates art? Well, that movie started a whole network of real fight clubs across the United States and can be directly attributed to the death of several young men who thought it would be “cool” to imitate their favorite movie in real life. Me? I’m a pacifist. I’ve never started or even come within 10 feet of a real fight. AND I’ve never been responsible for any deaths within the United States borders. Looks like you’ve already got yourself two strikes Mr. Norton.

And maybe it’s my wholesome Midwestern ways, but I believe sex is a sacred bond between a man and a woman and I would never ever pay any woman for any sort of sexual favors. But you, Mr. Norton, have already on three separate occasions been caught soliciting sexual favors from “ladies of the night”?!? That’s right, I did my research. You didn’t think anyone would be able to get into the Los Angeles County Department of records did you? But I have friends on the force and they owed me a favor… looks like your name isn’t so much Edward Norton as it is Edward “Whore”ton. I could go on and on about your decadent, godless, and unpatriotic ways… but that’s three strikes Mr. Norton, I think I speak for the American public when I say: “we want you OUT of Hollywood”!

If you are interested in more information about the “National Coalition Against Edward Norton” please feel free to email me, I’d love to send you some more literature about this subject on which I’m so passionate. OR if you are interested in starting your own smear campaign against any other “so-called” greats in Hollywood, let me know, I’d love to help… I have lots of free time!

~ by Rand McTally on June 17, 2008.