How To Solve World Hunger
“I can see that your head has been twisted and fed …”
-Bob Dylan
NOTE: If you are reading this thinking that the obvious answer to solve world hunger is the mass production of Twinkies, while that may be a delicious solution it is not the answer and you should stop reading immediately.
Philanthropy has never been my strong suit. While there might be many adjectives used to describe me (friendly, good-smelling) altruistic is probably not the best fit. It’s not that I don’t like people, it’s just that they frustrate me. Sometimes they frustrate me a lot. And sometimes they waste my precious time in grocery store lines because their bill is $21.30 and they only have $20. Seriously, do you really have to question whether to take back the bread or the Doritos? Seems pretty obvious to me, keep the chips!
Well, enough ranting… you probably want to know how I plan to solve world hunger (and not to get ahead of myself, but I predict a Nobel prize for this brain baby here). So are you ready? The solution is one word and about 250 pounds of metal and computer chips. It’s called a robot. Well, technically not just one robot, a whole kickin’ army of them!
How is an army of robots going to solve world hunger (especially if the robots are made out of metal and not pork chops)? Pretty simple. The robots will hand out food to all the starving people in the world, right? Wrong! People could do that themselves, it would be a waste of metal to have robots do that. So that leads me to the conclusion that the robots should be highly programed killing machines. Sights set on killing all the starving people of the world. Bullets, carnage, bloody hatchets, bodies left to decompose. No more starving people in the world pretty much equals no more world hunger right? How will the robots be able to tell starving people from us well fed regulars? For starters, the bulging air bellies and buzzing flies is a dead give-away.
Ethics? Not really relevant because the robots are the ones with the proverbial blood left on their tiny metallic hands. So what will happen when the robots become self aware (and trust me, I’ve seen enough sci-fi movies to know that every robot at some point becomes conscious of his own existence). Well, I see either one of two things happening here. The robots would either be racked with so much guilt from the mass carnage and their guilt chip would make them automatically self destruct (probably the better of the two) OR they would get a taste for human blood and not stop killing until the last human on earth was gone. Either way, I’m willing to take that risk… so computer and science people, let’s start working on these robots!
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